Understanding, diagnosing and responding to situations :)

Are you lost to the motives of somebody? Instead, perhaps you are dealing with toxic people. And here is how they can be deflected. Each has its own angels and demonic side. Each has the ability to lie and deceive. The difference, though, is based on their honesty level. It's very hard to grasp today who is a friend and who is a foe.

If you think about it, would you be more okay being lied and manipulated to, or being told something harsher but true? I’m pretty sure most of us would rather drink the bitter pill of truth, than eating the sweet candy of lies that actually is a poison. You are especially prone to this when you are vulnerable and want to be accepted, but have good things to bring to the table like status, intelligence, and connections.

I’m in a stage that I give much fewer fucks to these kinds of people then I used to. This attitude is in line with the promise I made with myself to say “no” more. I simply have no time and patience to be involved in these unproductive dramas.

What I’m about to share is the tactic that I have used to identify, protect against, and counterattack these venomous people. When you encounter someone highly manipulative, befriend one, or being influenced by one, it could be hard to understand what you are going through. They shower you with support and attention which you are flattered with. Often he/she appears very sweet and says nice things about you. They might even give out confidential information to you or use their power to help you out, to make you think that they are on your side. Then you thought, oh, he/she is quite nice actually. You start getting close and befriend each other. However, gradually, they give you a dose of cynicism and disrespect, leaving you confused. Then, something happens, which makes you question their intentions, such as these:

• Tells another person a little the secret about you 
• Complains about you behind your back, about something insignificant
• Don’t mention your involvement at all when you give out ideas that turn into a success. 
• Make you feel small; dig into your insecurities
• Treat your accomplishments as a joke
• Make you feel that you’re not good enough

These first signs are very critical. These manipulators are banking and thriving on the fact that you stay ignorant. Therefore, it is important for them to keep their “sheep clothing” and let you just see their sheep version.

Always remembers the rule of toxic behavior they choose to do. If this is just an acquaintance, then all you need to do is to stop giving them the benefits of being friends with you. Eventually, they will think that you are of no use and fades away. Most importantly, don’t tell them anything that they could use against you. Give a safe answer-comment only when necessary. In short, don’t tell them anything substantial about your life, and practice saying no to their demands. When you successfully pull away gradually, then they will fall into the “NOBODY” zone permanently. Don’t ever think to make them any closer, regardless of how nice they appear to become.

The tricky part is when you’ve fallen into the oblivion trap they’ve put together and let them be your closest friends or relative. Unfriending or pushing them away will always be ugly, but there are ways to minimize the damage. Slow but sure, push them away from your closest circle. The ultimate goal is to put them in the “acquaintance” zone when you occasionally speak or be nice to each other, but strictly in a polite manner. Here’s one last thing you need to remember: The right way is to cut the tumor out be it your friend or relative.

And when you accept the fact that it’s just the way they are, your sanity will thank you. Because then you stop blaming yourself or justifying their actions, and simultaneously ignoring your instinctive that has been screaming to you the whole time. One thing that you need to know is that the number of close friends that you have is not something to brag about. The equivalent is bragging about how many people have access to your bank account. That is just stupid.

We can know a lot of people, hang out with anyone, and network far and wide. But when it comes down to close friends that you will share your most personal stories, treat this like choosing your husband or wife. Over time, you’ll develop an instinct and can detect these kinds of people from a mile away. 

Until then, Stay safe. Don’t get bitten with the same kind of snake twice.

Rab Rakha!!!!!

Everyone has lumps, bumps, and rolls. It means you are human.

Aren't we concerned about looks? Why is it that we care? Why are we trapped in looks and missing the person under the face mask? We neglect what lies under the mask, what lies within the heart and mind, what lays within the psyche. Body shame is the act in which we blame people for their physical appearance; we condemn them because they do not meet the socially constructed predetermined expectations of attractiveness. They're not 'fair and stunning' or 'slim and sleek,' and so forth. It's a type of violence that mentally torments you and is common.

The culture recognizes the color, form, and size of the body as the basis for beauty and ugliness. Both men and women are ashamed of their bodies. A boy with a physique that makes him appear strong is supposed to be big and muscular. In India, a girl should be tall, shallow with a skin of zero acne and body hair. When anyone falls from this group (like most people, since we are human), they are continually mocked and encouraged to change their appearance.

Even though body shame affects both men and women, it is extra stressful baggage for women in a patriarchal society like India. The remedies for impeccable skin include measures such as turmeric paste, aloe vera gel, waxing, face masks, and a thousand other things. If a girl is fat, she is advised everything ranging from avoiding rice and potatoes to liposuction surgery. We've reached a stage in which fat shaming almost has become synonymous with body-shaming, but slim girls aren't out! Even girls that are short are shamed that they are too slim and advised to wear full-sleeved clothing that does not make their so-called 'fault' noticeable. A man who does not match these social expectations of a perfect body will receive all sorts of criticisms and suggestions.

Earlier, being fat was a symbol of being wealthy and belonging to a prosperous family but times have changed, being svelte is chic now. Now, be it any of the genders, sweltering it out in the gym is the vogue. Be it the relatives who tell you to look pretty in order to get married or the shopkeepers who refer you the dress which will hide those curvatures, everyone is always upholding how to not feel good in your own skin. Also, the jokes cracked of pregnancy about fat women aren’t funny at all.

Media has been instrumental in fostering the culture of body shaming, despite all the unrealistic and almost impossible expectations of beauty that Bollywood has set over the years. Many cosmetics ads tell us how it is vital to walk after a fairer skin for a job and / or confidence, while other food product ads remind us of how necessary it is to lose fat within 25 days to look good in a group.

With the increasing use of social media, body shaming is now all-time high. People get behind the computer and post negative comments and think that no one's going to harm just a comment. But we're a generation of social media addicts, every harmful comment you post troubles, someone. While we're making a comment about someone's physique, we often overlook the fact that the remark doesn't change their bodies, but it has the power to affect someone so extremely that they can be depressed.

Body shaming can lead to an inferiority complex, decreased confidence, eating disorders, and other such issues. It can cause insecurities that lead to troubled relationships. There is a chance that the victim may feel too self-conscious and withdraw from social situations. We must be more mature, understanding and empathy instead of criticizing people just because they do not look like we want them to. Don't be a harasser and don't let anyone even shame your body.

Rather of listening to suggestions from people who don't know either you or your body, we need to follow a safe lifestyle. Sure, obesity is a concern, it is a health risk and exercise is important to decrease health risks, but it is completely inappropriate to blame someone for being overweight. Let us not forget that it is the person who decides the actions of a person in his / her life and not the fat of the body. The requirements to determine someone's characters or ability cannot be form, size, color, and levels of capability.

A lingerie line, composed of lingerie's of all sizes, has just been launched by Rihanna to allow the body to become optimistic. Actresses like Vidya Balan and Sonakshi Sinha are stunning examples of women who didn't let their careers be governed by the size-zero stereotype. Although important changes are taking place, there is still a long way to go. Let us be relaxed in our skin, take a little while, and let us encourage others to do the same thing. It is your own body, and no one, other than you, can judge or understand. Let's be trusting, caring and tolerant. Let us live, let others live, let others live.

Rab Rakha!!!!!

Two faced people are more dangerous than fiction.

We must once have met a two-sided, clever person, not a false acquaintance of ours, or relatives. You claim to be near and concerned about you, but in all cases secretly. Often you mistakenly believe them, and you're sorry. It will be more difficult for us to assess face to face.

These two-faced people have a common attribute of being too courteous, above what you expect. If you talk to them first, you will feel fine. You're going to feel like a normal human. In a single moment, you will note them, but you may not know when you are slipping downwards. Don't get me wrong, those people noticed more and even businesses, families or in your neighborhood.

A good friend or relative knocked on your door two faces if you notice someone of sudden politeness at any moment. You'll know if you recall the last time you felt this. You would have recognized the case because they are two-eyed people who have been well-attached. "They say good stuff to your name, and then inform some negative things to you, because you aren't there." We want an enemy who admits who hates me rather than a friend or relative who secretly puts us down.

“Being nice to people is not called two-faced, it’s called growing up… but being nice to people in front of their faces and spreading nasty talks behind them is called two-faced”. How can people have two identities in our society? We may need special glasses to identify these people as everywhere we look people are two-faced.

Most of us may be scared to think about a ghost when we were a child, but as we grew up; we found that two-faced people are more frightening than a ghost. We may be used to thinking that enemies are the worst people in the world, but that was until we met two-faced people and realized that they were a lot worse. It's always a good thing to have fake people in this world; it helps you find out who your real friends are.

I hate when people say that they hate someone, and then they're going to hang out with them. I realized that these people are applying the formula of division and rule everywhere around them. You can't create a conflict with this person as they would do more damage, so it's best to distance yourself from these parasites. It is easier to stay quiet and away from the two smart creatures your mental well-being.

Have you ever learned that if we talk to each other rather than speak about each other, a lot of problems would vanish? You can't change other people-until they have changed, but you can keep your mind alert. Never have your pretty words or deeds swayed by them.

"The saddest thing about deceit is that it rarely comes from your enemies ... It's from friends and loved ones." 

Rab Rakha!!!!!

How to look beyond pay cheque to choose the right job for yourself

On average, you change jobs 10-12 times in a full career, assuming the current average of 2-4 years per role. You will consider potential opportunities two to three times that number. That’s a lot of major decisions you cannot avoid. 9Your jobs will occupy the biggest portion of your working hours and will contribute in large measure to your comfort and happiness. It makes sense to invest in choosing smartly each time. Here’s how.

• Your future: What’s your definition of long-term success? Take a weekend off to figure out the long term dreams and requirements from your career that matter to you. Don’t do this exercise when you are hard-pressed for time. Unless you have a broad vision of your future career trajectory, you may end up taking jobs based on short-term considerations like money or commute time. This will lead to many unrelated or temporary jobs on your CV that could destroy your future. To evaluate a particular job against your long-term growth – ask yourself what the next role is likely to be after this one and thereafter where will that lead to.
• Employer: Do you put in a lot of research into choosing a cell phone, car or planning a vacation? Consider similar or more efforts into researching a future employer. What is the size and stability of the company? What has been its history and how well known is it in the industry? What is the market positioning and what do employees and customers think about it? Make sure you also speak to people. Large brand names and established 50- year old companies are great on a resume and for future job search. Start-ups and small firms, on the other hand, offer greater responsibilities, accelerated growth, and higher upside. What is more important to you?

• Gains: Look at the short-term benefits. Most professionals place undue importance on the quantum of salary offered. Apart from the difference from your current compensation, compare it with industry standards. Check for add-ons like an incentive structure, average increments and increment dates, retrial benefits, insurance policy, stock options, and reimbursements. For non-monetary or lifestyle benefits check for leave policy, company accommodation/transport, club memberships, and Flexi-timings. Decide on considerations that make a difference to you.

• Pains: For a rational short-term analysis, look at the cost side of your decision. What impact will this choice have on your time, expenses and thus your savings? What are the working hours like, how long is the commute and how often do you have to travel? All of these keep you away from personal activities. Will you have to relocate or spend more on travel, taxes or incidentals? Will the move impact your children’s education and costs? Can you afford the costs involved in time and money and yet meet your savings target?

• Success: Move on to your chances of success in the new role. What are the tangible expectations from the role in terms of targets and what resources will you get to fulfill those? What are the intangible expectations of the role? Do these challenges excite you? Are you someone energized by the idea of being the first one to solve an undefined problem or do you prefer structured roles exploiting one skill? Use your own definition of success to evaluate.
• Growth: The next criterion is the growth and learning potential from the job you are evaluating. Know that learning can come from an individual, from the role, from the work environment or from the company’s position and aspirations in the market. Where do you want to be in five years’ time in terms of knowledge and skills and how will the new company, management, team, boss or role help you bridge that gap?
• Happiness: Lastly, don’t ignore daily satisfaction as a criterion. Your enthusiasm and energy levels at a workplace will depend on the company culture, people and personal values. Ask around to get an idea of what the work environment is like and if individuals are trusted, recognized and rewarded for results. Finally, consider if the company does meaningful work that aligns with your personal ethics and values and thus adds purpose to your life.

USE YOUR INSTINCT

• No pay play: A quick way to decide is to figure out whether you are willing to work for no extra pay. So, imagine two competing jobs offering the same compensation. Which one do you choose? You will gravitate to the one where you believe you will be happier, excited or successful. Go for it. The money will always catch up.
• 12-Hour energy: Imagine long working hours in the roles that you are considering. Where will you be able to sustain 12-hour workdays for a month or two because of an important project? Your choice will reflect either exciting work or an empowering environment where you are more likely to succeed.
• Toss the coin away: Unable to make a final decision between two competing job offers? Commit to tossing a coin for a decision. How did you feel when you tossed the coin? If you are happy or neutral about the outcome, go with it. If you feel uncomfortable about the result and are thinking of tossing the coin again, go with the other option!
• Sleepover it: Decide to either choose a job or reject it along with specific reasons, before you go to sleep. Imagine communicating the same to the employer the next day. When you wake up the next morning, if you are feeling disturbed about it, your subconscious is asking you to reverse your decision. Listen to it carefully.
• Unexplained discomfort: Have you listed all the pros and cons of a job on a piece of paper and discussed it with trusted people? Yet, do you feel a sense of discomfort that you are unable to explain in words? Don’t agonize. Simply discard this job option and move on to another choice. You don’t have to justify yourself to the world.

Rab Rakha!!!!!

How a Con person's mind works

Con people make money through deception. They lie, cheat and fool people into thinking they've happened onto a great deal or some easy money when ­they're the ones who'll be making money. If that doesn't work, they'll take advantage of your weaknesses -- loneliness, insecurity, poor health or simple ignorance. The only thing more important to a con person than perfecting a con is perfecting a total lack of conscience.

What does the average con person look like? Despite what you may think, he or she isn't always a shady-looking character. A con person is an expert at looking however he needs to look. If the con involves banking or investments, the con artist will wear a snappy suit. If it involves home improvement scams, he'll show up wearing well-worn work clothes. Even the basic assumption that the con is a "he" is incorrect: there are plenty of con women too.

You might think you can spot a con artist because he's someone you instinctively "don't trust." But the term con artist is short for confidence artist -- they gain your confidence just long enough to get their hands on your money. They can be very charming and persuasive. A good con artist can even make you believe he is really an old friend you haven't seen in years.

 Con people do share certain characteristics, however. Even the best con can only go on for so long before people start getting suspicious. For that reason, con people tend to move frequently. They may have a job that allows this, or they might claim to have such a job. A store manager, marketing manager or whatsoever worker and traveling salesman are all parts con people play to cover up their constant relocations.

It would be impo­ssible to catalog every con because con people are inventive. While many cons are simply variations on ones that are hundreds of years old, new technologies and laws give con artists the opportunity to create original scams. Many cons tend to fall into a few general categories, however: street cons, marriage cons, business cons, Internet cons, loan cons, and home improvement cons.

How to Avoid a Con

Sometimes it seems like the world is full of people constantly trying to get their hands on your money. But there are a few things to remember that will help make you resistant to most cons:

•  You never get something for nothing. There's an old saying: "You can't cheat an honest man." Most cons rely on the victim's own greed. Con people know that people often throw caution to the wind when they start seeing dollar signs. Deals that sound too good to be true usually are.
• Guard your personal information. Especially guard your Social Security number, credit card numbers and bank account numbers. We have to use these numbers in many of our daily transactions, but if you are asked for any of this information, be absolutely sure that the person doing the asking is someone you can trust or works for a reputable company.
• Don't accept solicitations. Whether you get a cold call for an investment opportunity or someone comes to your door offering to do home repairs, hang up the phone and close the door. While there may be legitimate businesses that go door-to-door or make cold calls to find customers, they are few and far between.
• Watch for signs. Con people often give themselves away if you ask enough questions. Ask for some kind of written documentation of their offer. Check for a real address, not a P.O. Box. Ask to see a driver's license, and write down the information on it. Write down license plate numbers, and make sure the con person sees you doing it. If it's a legitimate offer, he won't mind. Tell him you need to think the deal over for at least a few days before making a decision. A con artist will often pressure you to make a decision on the spot -- often using hard-sell tactics, such as saying that the deal won't last. They may get nervous when you ask for something in writing, and will usually refuse to provide it. When someone wants your money, if the offer is legitimate, it will still be around next week.

If You've Been Conned

The most street-wise person can get taken in by a con. If you've been victimized, what should you do?

• Con people count on their victims feeling foolish and afraid to report the scam. But if you remain silent about being conned, you're letting the con person move on to steal from others. Write down every detail you can remember as soon as possible, while it's fresh in your memory. Collect any documented evidence you might have as well. This includes receipts, contracts or even your own phone records.
• Now it's time to contact the authorities. You may have to do some legwork to find the right agency or someone who is willing to help you. Your local police department may have a special division assigned to fraud cases. Also, contact your local police. Get in touch with the Better Business Bureau and see if there are any other reports of the same con person -- this could help you and the police track him down. Many scams also fall under the jurisdiction of certain federal agencies. If you really reach a dead end, try your local TV news stations. Many have segments where a reporter tracks down a con person and demands answers, and a con person hates the spotlight.

Rab Rakha!!!!!

Husband and wife is a relationship like you see yourself in mirror

A lot of times when I write on relationships, I get comments that I write about “ideal” or “unrealistic” couples. But I always write what I think to be true, and the kind of relationship you would want to invest in personally. So maybe after reading this answer, many will feel the same, so I would kindly request you all to read this seriously and only settle for a partner who passes in at least half of these parameters.

• A healthy relationship is where neither the husband nor the wife brings back the matters of past and taunt each other regularly for the past mistakes that were committed.
• A healthy relationship is where neither the husband nor the wife stops the other one to carry out his/her responsibilities towards parents or siblings. A mature husband-wife understands the value of family. Neither the husband expects the wife to forget her family, neither the wife expects the husband to leave his family as she did.
• A healthy relationship is where there is communication. The husband and wife both discuss almost everything with each other before taking any decision. They also communicate about their problems, their emotions, their needs, and desires.
• A healthy relationship is where there is no cheating involved of any kind.
• A healthy relationship is where the husband can cook meals and the wife can pay bills if the need arises.
• A healthy relationship is where the husband or wife doesn't need to lie or hide about their money or property from each other. If you cannot trust your life partner that much, why marry them
• A healthy relationship is where both husband and wife bring up their children equally.
• A healthy relationship is where if one partner says “let's buy this saree for Mom”, the other one has to specifically ask to clarify, “Mine or yours?”
• A healthy relationship is where the husband's success becomes the wife's success and the wife's success becomes the husband's success.
• A healthy relationship is where both stick with each other in the lowest of times, in the worst of times, when the world is against them.
• A healthy relationship is where both can cry their hearts out and tell all their secrets without having the fear of being judged or laughed upon.
• A healthy relationship is where both understand that there would be fights and disagreements, but still love each other enough to forgive and forget.
• A healthy relationship is where both respect and value each other.
• A healthy relationship is where there is no ego of being a man or a woman.
• A healthy relationship is where none is keeping a score of how much they're doing for the other one.
• A healthy relationship is where both are committed and ready for compromises and sacrifices.
• A healthy relationship is where both grow old together, who love each other enough to complete this long journey of life even after several ups and downs and never leave each other, till death do them apart.

So if you have met someone who passes even half of these points, you're lucky. And for the rest, don't lose hope, who knows you might find someone like that tomorrow itself.

Rab Rakha!!!!!

Karma has become a stagy fashion statement these days!

Yesterday I and my friend were having a discussion about whether should we have confidence in karma or no.  I feel it’s all like all that dramatic bullshit. You take a large idea, and give it a large meaning and poof! Karma gives people a misapprehension of reasonableness or equality when the world by and large is completely and utterly unfair. Even before I learned about Just-world hypothesis, I find the entire premise of karma ridiculous. People said: don't do bad things because Karma will get you. That's just utilitarianism, isn't it? So you do good things because Karma will reward you, not because it is the right thing to do; you don't do bad things because Karma will punish you, not because it is against your own personal principle and it might hurt other people. (I have similar despise for the heaven and hell system of most religions.)

And when you see something wrong, instead of speaking up and stepping up to fight against it, you hide and tell yourself "Karma will get him!" I can't wait for Karma to work, if something is wrong, I need to speak up. When I make conclusions I need to be true to my own belief regardless of what "Karma" would or would not do.

Chinese are huge on this entire karma thing; we have hundreds of different proverbs and phrases to express "what goes around comes around". I find it rather repulsive because I rarely see it act positively. People whine about bad things, and yet none of them do anything about it because "Karma will get the bad guys! They’ll get what they deserve!" I disgust it. You can't rely on some intergalactic force to do your own work.

And the worst part of "Karma", it empowers the concept of victim-blaming. If Karma does exist, bad things cannot happen to good people. In other words, if bad things happened to you, you must have done something to deserve it. We see it all the time in many rapes, murder, etc cases these days. People talked about it everywhere, while there's much compassion for those victims, some people always say something like "well, they must have done something to deserve that".

So no. I don't believe in Karma. I don't believe AIDS babies had done something to deserve their fate. I don't believe women being beaten up by their husbands because they have done something wrong in their lives. And I certainly won't wait for Karma to get to the bad guys if I can do something about it, even if it’s just speaking up.  In short, we basically should not believe in any philosophy which weakens your belief in yourself. That is the crux.

Rab Rakha!!!!!