Saga Of The New Bride

Every bride has to step outside her comfort zone once married; the least the new family can do for her is to accept and treat her with respect and equality.

Marriage is a ceremony that usually follows the betrothal of a young couple. The ceremony marks the unity of two individuals and their families.

The above definition of marriage sounds like a perfectly coordinated set of events, where the story ends with a ‘happily ever after’. The practicalities that entail this union are much grimmer, especially for the bride.

The coy bride,

The sweet and oh! So beautiful bride,

She leaves a loving and caring home,

What she is not told is to leave her dreams and pride back home.

The bride, in most cultures, is the ‘new member’. She leaves the comfort of her familiar home. She leaves almost everything that is her own. She not only begins a new life with the man, but more often than not, accepts a whole new family along with holy matrimony.

The new family tends to treat her as a stranger from a distant land right from the initial meeting and greeting to all times to come. The alienation begins from the moment the ceremonies begin and they continue with each passing day, barring the exceptions when the husband or the new family demands love, warmth, affection and absolute reverence! The already-alienated bride is then expected to shoulder responsibilities (sometimes more than she can chew) in areas such as household, professional and most importantly, reproductive. In this entire process, neither the in-laws nor the spouse seem to be mindful of the expectations of the ‘new member’.

From the very childhood, most Indian families begin preparing their daughters for the prospect of future alienation that marriage entails. They share tales pressing hard on acceptable social behavior, norms for the new bride, and the effervescent stride with which the bride is to take everything that comes to her. If one were to view this from an optimist’s perspective, these would seem like sound advice where the lessons of patience, adjustment to new surroundings and unfaltering respect towards a ‘new family’ are preached.

On the other hand, the lessons preached to our men/husbands/sons-to-be may have the soundness of respecting your wife, respecting monogamy, but the most impactful of all advice's is the one that iterates the need to ‘be a man’.

Not only is the process unfair in its outlook, but also it is sometimes pathetic in practice. The battles to be fought are too many. The alienated bride does not even have the refuge of ‘being at home’, because that’s where all the battles are lost. The abundance of duties and responsibilities mound her heart and mind alike. The stress begins to seep in and the health of the mind and body deteriorates. The bride continues to struggle to make ends meet. She struggles in her smiles. She struggles at work. But all that she is greeted with is that ‘women have it easy’!

I don’t want to aim to allege or generalize all husbands or in-laws. It is an attempt to give some food for thought to the new families and their distant relatives around the unfair behavior meted out to the ‘new member’. Challenge after challenge comes until the bride is either tamed or accused of not being well-raised.

The bride leaves one home to make another. The least the ‘new family’ could do is to provide the same love and respect it extends to one of their own. The nourishment of the mind and soul is as necessary for the ‘new member’ as it is for you. Be mindful. Be fair.

I am writing this from my past experience. I stayed with them for a year and my life was no less than a new thrash about everyday where I couldn’t even tell my relatives at times as to what’s been happening with me thinking it would break my marriage but now when I think what’s the point to be in a family where a man is not a man enough to respect and love you. For them I was just a money vending machine to fulfill all their wants& luxuries which they couldn’t come up with the money for on their own. Their main intention was to keep extracting more and more money from me and my parents to gratify their greediness. The statement which my mother in law and sister in law use to often use was “Sanu kuch ni chahida” and ask for everything on all occasions from my parents. I use to hold back my anger, disappointment and tears resulting in me losing my real self and due to this last one year I have left my real myself so far behind that I found a new me.

Rab Rakha!!!!!

Lungful of Space in a Marriage

These days, it is common to see every other marriage breaking apart in, just a few years after the grand wedding day. The main reason lays somewhere else it’s due to the hindrance and the torment one faces due to some double faces tugs, when the girl comes in with her dreams and they are all washed away once she starts her married life. Instead of happiness she gets agony, pain and no support.

My married life was ruined by the intrusion from my mother in law, sister in law and my husband’s so called best friend(later I got to know she had other interests in him) all these 3 together use to brain wash him. The urge to interfere in the married of son/brother/best friend, stemmed from a strong possessive/domineering feeling on the part of the later. Bit by bit, the tentacles of possessiveness start spreading around in every aspect of the son's life, throttling me in every manner. I started gasping for breath and I was forced to look at everything from their point of view. Nothing was working out; I finally opted for peace of mind — by keeping silent and not reacting to anything. Many a times I even tried telling them this marriage is turning ugly due their behavior but in turn what I got was their thrashing.

They never let the love built between me and my husband instead gave rise to puzzlement and infused all sorts of things against me in his mind due to which he started hitting me. They many times even told me that he would believe them and not me and not to forget both mother, daughter and husband’s best friend (very close to my sister in law & mother in-law) use to create all sorts of chaos to ruin my marriage.  I don’t know what kind of a mother and sister would another lady come in front, it had gone so worse that my mother in law and sister in law use to do all planning and plotting against me with her for their interests best known to them.

Why is it that the mothers and sister of adult son/brother find it difficult to let go of the attachment, which blinds their eyes and makes them do despicable things? They wanted to ensure that no emotional intimacy develops between him and me, why get him married in the first place? And ruin someone’s life. Only thing they wanted was the son to extract money from me and my parents. They never thought of my dreams and ideas about my married life? Why is it that they cannot trust their son/brother to remember his duties towards them, even if he got married? Is it the lack of faith in their own upbringing that makes them insecure?

If every day is a struggle, wherein the husband's behavior is dictated by the parents-in-law, my life was not panning out as I had dreamt and every aspect of my life was persistently monitored and supervised by them, right from what to eat, what to wear, when to sleep, what happiness did I get? What is wrong if I wanted much needed personal space? Why was I called a family breaker when I have every right to a happy life and the choice to live the life I want? How can a woman who is independent in her professional life manage the contradictions in her personal life?

What about the son who is the common binding factor for both the parties involved? He is so completely brainwashed by them, that he started believing that his wife (ME) is really evil due to the drama & stories created by all three of them.

Would it not be easier for everyone, if the son's mother sister gracefully allowed the son and me to be at our own rather than make him hit me and breaking the relation? The breathing space certainly ensures a healthy and happy relation among all the people involved, for a lifetime.

But they had a different thing all planned and set for me which was to throw me out of their family and his life so that can get him married again for a vast sum of money and ruin some other girls life. What he and his family portrayed to me about their behavior and themselves before marriage and how they were from top to bottom poles apart.

Rab Rakha!!!!!

Demons I saw after my Marriage!

Here is a true story that I wish to narrate. I have suffered it. I believe that time waits for no man. This is the true story; I was undergoing the life that I had never ever imagined. I was the type who always dared to be different, a sort of pioneer and a leader or rather a trend-setter and very fun-loving kind.  I was the kind who in the face of hardship would walk fearlessly towards any challenges that life offered to me, always with a smile and positive vibrations running in every part of my system. I would go to the bottom-most level to seek the truth of any matter that disturbed me and one can be very sure that I was triumphant in all my endeavors before I got married.

I had a very middle class up-bringing as in spite of all luxuries my parents kept all 3 of us grounded. My parents had instilled enough of discipline in along with my other two siblings, to hold our heads high with pride, frankness and uprightness. I was brought up to believe that Justice will always win and to be as wholehearted about other's success as if it was our own. I was put in to one of the best School in Dalhousie for a proper and chaste moral discipline so it was expected that I was highly educated and had a very broad standpoint on life.

Now, you must be wondering, so what is special about me? Right? Nothing, only the fact that one person changed my whole life in a jiffy(rather the arranged marriage), a very neat and clean head-over-heels to the depths of agony and suffering which I am undergoing even today. I guess you would ask out of curiosity - "Who is it?" Patience, my dear friends!!! It is none other than my husband, mother-in-law and sister-in-law. From day one, they began their calculative mind, preying on my temperament, my father’s property, chastity and chalking out devious means to pull my virtue down, in their overly enthusiastic hunger for and greed for money, reputation and humiliation. They were the type who just could not bear the fact that someone could outsmart their son or outshine him in any field. In fact I loved my husband just too much, trusted him to the core about just everything under the sun, placing him on top priority every time

This reminds me of a quote by F.W. Robertson wherein he states that, " Marriage is not a union merely between two creatures - it is a union between two spirits; and the intention of that bond is to perfect the nature of both, by supplementing their deficiencies with the force of contrast, giving to each sex those excellencies in which it is naturally deficient; to the one, strength of character and firmness of moral will; to the other, sympathy, meekness, tenderness; and just so solemn and glorious as these ends are for which the union was intended, just so terrible are the consequences if it be perverted and abused; for there is no earthly relationship which has so much power to ennoble and to exalt."

They began by first trying to isolate their family from me. Cooking up tales, spinning yarns that were absolutely not true, but fabricated, so that his cousins and extended family drew themselves away from me, in every respect making me feel abandoned, deprived of love and security. What does a new bride do under these circumstances in a traditional marriage? I did not need the support of anyone else in the family other than my husband to whom I was betrothed to. When this is denied to my accessibility, what is left for me? Whom do I turn to? Where can one go?

Their next target was his friends, colleagues and their spouses and children. He realized that I was friendly with them, as I wanted to inter-act with someone. I was the type to make friends easily because of my nature. The day their ears were filled by my husband, sister in law and mother in law they too drifted away from me. So, you see how lonely can a husband and in-laws made me feel, after marriage. They made it a point that they will go to any length to make me as depressed as possible so that I would in due course destroy myself when driven against the wall. Not replete with this act of a demon, they began torturing me even more with each passing day by making demands of extracting more money from my parents and even to help them buy an apartment.

With help from my father I was offered a job as Senior branding and Training Executive in King Group Hospitality they run a chain of restaurants in Dubai. I was deprived of the basic amenities after marriage. The emotional and mental torture increased so much that I was not able to give attention to my job and my chairman who happens to be my father’s friend asked me to take a few months break and join again later. Little did he know that what was happening with me back home?

When my husband, mother in law and sister in law got to know this the torture worsened seeing all this I asked my parents to visit me in Dubai. I tried to tell my Sister in laws husband who has come to visit in Dubai for holiday from Leicester. But when saw this she and my husband quietly called me in the kitchen and hit me.

On 6^th August my parents came to visit me and they were shocked seeing me and my condition my mother just hugged me and started crying and mom dad saw their true colors little did they know that they were such demons who had no love and respect for their daughter or them. All what mattered to them was just money.

They took all my earnings, my entire gold, the cash which they demanded at the wedding and even after all this on 9^th august which was my anniversary day they threw me out of the house.

 Indian women are known for their sense of patience, their loyalty and perseverance in sticking on to a bond that they hold so sacred. But came a time when I saw the light of the day and told myself, " ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! Now what triggered this sea change in my attitude? Just a simple statement my  husband when he exclaimed, that shook the day lights out of my system, I have all these months looked upon you as just a W****!!!

Friends tell me, would any one of you withstand such an accusation coming from your husband and in-laws?

Today, I am fighting it legally desperately seeking justice.

I am sure that there are countless such stories with more misery that any human can bear to hear, read or speak about.

This is just awareness brought to you about Indian Marriages. Yes; people like me suffer, because today's world accepts people with low morals, low credibility and people who have no humaneness in them.
Hope I get justice so that no other girls questions her existence. 

Rab Rakha!!!!!

Dowry Seeking Parasites...in the 21st Century

Today, women have the right to education, the chance to have a career, to travel all over the world, head world organizations, and go on shuttle missions to outer space. Yes, there are still many places where women are still kept in the dark, and behind closed shutters. But here, I am only talking about women like you and me, who have supposedly left the darkness behind and stepped into the light.

For the most part, I would like to think that we are no longer at a disadvantage.

When we have the opportunity and the ability to accomplish so much, why do we still need to carry‘sustenance’ as we move from our parents’ house to our husband’s? Are we still considered a burden, that when handed over to another party, must be compensated for? Are we still, just a commodity in a transaction?

Dowry is no longer demanded. It is implied. It is implied in the ‘tradition’ that the bride’s family pays for the wedding (entirely or almost always, the larger share). It is implied in the mandate that she always be sent with jewellery to the husband’s house. It is implied in the way the society grants the upper hand to the groom’s family, and gives the bride’s family a more docile role in a wedding.

Don’t get me wrong, the fault also lies with the society’s point of view. When the modern-day bride raises an issue about some of the financial aspects of her wedding, she is shot down by her own family, with the following reasons:

“They are your new family.”

“We are only doing what is best for you.”

“By making them happy, we are ensuring your happiness”.

All questions are drowned out in reassurances.

The way I see it, not just the bride, but all involved parties must be offended by that sentiment.

Why is there a list of expenses set out exclusively for the bride’s family? Why are there no such obligations for the groom? Why is it so hard to tally all the expenses, divide by two, and be done with it? The sad, sad part of it all is that whenever the groom’s parents offer to share certain expenses, it thrills the bride’s family, and they consider it a favor being done in their magnificence. Why is it considered a favor, when it is actually just fair?

Why is it so hard to tally all the expenses, divide by two, and be done with it?

We have been wrongly trained to find such behavior acceptable when it comes to a wedding. If a person illegally encroaching your land offers to move when confronted, will you consider it as a favor he/she is doing for you?

There are two sides to every coin. And there are two versions to every story.

If you ask the groom’s parents, they’ll tell you, that when they try to be different, and do what’s right instead of what’s expected, a torrent of questions come pouring in from all sides. Sometimes, the parents are shamed for being gutless and not demanding what is due to them. Our society strongly discourages anomalies, in an act to preserve the present way of life. In order to avoid these unwanted social pressures, people just prefer to go with tradition. Because naturally, it is the safest thing to do.

Why do we still follow a system that, at the end of the day, makes everyone feel victimized and under pressure?

A practice that was originally designed to protect women has now become a grievance.

The only reason it has survived all these centuries, is because it is still practiced, and worse – celebrated. And as long as large majorities continue to believe in this system, there is no hope at effecting a change.

Let’s be that change in our own homes. Don’t blindly follow tradition, when it is no longer relevant. Ask yourself if what you are expected to do is right. Question your elders, speak out; maybe they just never thought about it that way.

Just remember: the society is a living organism composed of people like you and me. If you can change one molecule, one person, over time, the entire being can be cured, wrongs can be righted, and balance restored.

This post is very close to me as I got married last year and I was tortured by my Husband and mainly by my Mother in Law and Sister in law for extorting more money, flat and other expensive valuables from my parents. Now I have filed a FIR against them and fighting a domestic violence and dowry case. i just hope justice prevails and parasites like them are put behind bars.

Rab Rakha!!!!!

Loosing fake people isn't a loss!

Life is like a ball of yarn that the kitten has been playing with for hours, full of tangles and knots. And as my friend reminded me yesterday, it is also incredibly long. Given the average life span of my grandparents, it is a sure shot bet that I will see the other side of life. And that thought completely freaks me out. Another xyz years!

So here's my advice. To me and to you. 

Cut the god damn drama and yes as I  say "Loosing fake people isn't a loss" 

There is enough in life to dare you. You do not need people-created soap operas to add flavor. If someone pulls you down, cut them loose or tune them out. If you crave hot choc fudge, go get one. Do work that inspires you. Love without holding back. Jump into the abyss. Do not waste your time with paltry issues, things, thoughts or people. Tell it like it is. The only people you should invest in (and you must do all you can for them) are the ones who make you smile. Follow your heart, not the well trodden path. 

Cut the drama out of your life, it just adds a layer of dust to the myriad of colors in the world around you. You shouldn't need the world to tell you how incredible you are.    

Rab Rakha!!!!!

It’s Not The People Who Change, It’s The Mask That Falls Off

Sometimes, it’s not the people who change, it’s the mask that falls off.

As we go through life, we have the opportunity to meet a multiplicity of dissimilar people. Some become untailored connections who we just smirk and brandish at when we see them and others don’t good point a second thought after they walk out the door, but a select few will make it into the inner circle. 

Rab Rakha!!!!!

Shades of our life....

Black and white are truly vital colors that can be attention-grabbing at times, and even at other times indispensable.  But there is nothing that truly brings out the beauty and legitimacy in life than the many shades of grey.  There are things that are categorically black or white, but if you were to paint everything over with just black or white, you would lose so many beautiful and astounding details that you could otherwise discern and that might help you to have a better perspective should you add a bit of grey!

Too many of us tend to make that very mistake when judging a situation, or when arriving to a pronouncement.  We apply the black or white rule and leave out the a range of shades of grey.  If you go into any situation with a bucket of just black or white you risk missing out on a lot of beautiful niceties that could make the overall picture be so much more clear and relatable.

Take politics for example.  There are too many people who are stuck on either red or blue when making a choice or decision.  The white in the States often gets elapsed or disregarded and therefore those who are so busy throwing their buckets of either blue or red on everything can thoroughly miss the whole point of what building a true egalitarianism is really like, they are too busy trying to tear down or paint over the other color.

Life, love, relationships, politics, business, religion, and in fact everything has many different shades of grey.  If you want to make it in any one thing, take your nose out of your paint bucket, and then take a few steps back and the look at the canvas.  As you focus on things with your new perception, you might find that adding those shades of grey will complete your magnum opus, better your life and help you grow close the world around you!

Rab Rakha!!!!!